"You're a pussy."

-Simons

"How am I a pussy"

-Muller

"Hey, don't look at me, I'm eating a cookie"

-Simons 1-24-04

"Does this hat make me look high."

-Jared Miller

"No, you look like a fat person in a hat."

-Matt Muller 1-23-03

"Wouldn't that suck if you were fucking a chick in the ass and you were like O Charlie" [referring to fucking a guy]

Jared Miller 1-18-04

"'Ya got a hollow leg there sonny.' Yea I do you old dumbass"

Jared Miller 1-18-04

"I think Dan Marino looks a lot like David Hasselhoff" ... "He does" ... "And you know that Marino has a lot of chest hair."

-Jared Miller 1-18-04

"Do you know what the girls here at Augustana love... tell 'em your going to strap 'em to a table and fuck 'em like a dirty ho."

-Jared Miller 1-18-04

"If I hadn't had whiskey-dick I would have started jerking it right there." [referring to watching 3 girls kissing the night before]

-Eric Simons 1-17-04

"It was a pants on adventure last night."

-Jared Miller 1-11-04

Old Testament

"Handjobs are like 'get out of jail free cards.' There just another way out."
-Eric Simons 11-16-03

"I know a girl at the U that fucked 2 basketball players, 2 hockey players, and 2 football players" -sam ward
"Sounds like she's building an arc"
-Jared Miller 10-26-03

"He was a man-whore"
-Matt Muller
"Like me"
-Jared Miller
"Except he had clients"
-Eric Simons 10-24-03

[watching real sex on HBO]
"I'm just a really big fan of strap-on's, maybe that's just me"
-Jared Miller 10-23-03

"What if you could get your cell phone high?"
-Matt Muller
"Dude, cell phone, you are so baked"
-Jared Miller 10-23-03

"Was she fat?"
-Matt Muller
"Well, she was just past the line of thick"
-Eric Simons 10-23-03

"My buddy from UND has a schlong that is phenomenal"
-Jared Miller 10-12-03

"From the window to the wall, I really love cheese balls"
-Jared Miller 9-23-03

"I don't think I'll put it in a girl's butt"
-Isaac Riechenbach
"Oh, I'm gonna, poop is gonna be flying everywhere"
-James "peaches" Shanor 9-23-03

"I like nipples that consume 3/4 of the breast"
-Jared Miller 9-15-03 (I really don't though)

"I can't regreat anything today; I was beautiful"
-Jamal Lewis after breaking the single game rushing record 9-14-03

"The family that masturbates together stays together"
-Eric Simons
"That's what my mom said"
-Jared Miller 9-14-03

"They should make a 'Tin Cup 2'... I really like to watch Kevin Costner golf.
Jared Miller 9-14-03

"I wonder what else I can get for 99 cents"
-Eric Simons
"I'd have her biggie size my dick"
-Sam Ward 9-12-03

[Miller making masturbating noises]
"I don't masturbate like (distracted)... Jesus!?!"
-Matt Muller
"You masturbate like Jesus?"
-Eric Simons 9-11-03

"That's the weirdest fart ever"
-Eric Simons
"I accelerated through the fart"
-Jared Miller 9-11-03

[After a long discussion about a girl with a disease that causes her to wake up in the morning with so much pain that she often needs a wheelchair, Sam says:]
"Ha! What a dumb BITCH!"
-Sam Ward 9-07-03

[Immitating Jared]
"So, have you ever been with a guy with freckles?"
Eric Simons 9-05-03


"Andy, I think your armidillos dead"
-Sam Ward 5-8-03

"Did you get a milkshake?"
-Eric Simons
"Yeah"
-Andy Rhode
"Vanilla?"
-Simons
"As opposed to what, Chocolate?"
-Rhode
"Well if it's chocolate or strawberry you need to go to the doctor"
-Eric Simons 4-27-03
[the motion for milkshake in American Sign Language is similar to that of a handjob]

"My butt itches so I fart to itch it"
-Sam Ward 4-13-03

"I'm gonna have kids just so I can beat 'em"
-Sam Ward 4-11-03

"Pam, I am mesmorized by your legs"
-Jared Miller 4-01-03

"Usually when I'm fuckin' a girl from behind I shoot it on her back and use it as lotion for a massage"
-Jared Miller 3-31-03

"I want a girl with a ba-dunk-a-dunk butt"
-Jared Miller
3-31-03

"So if they have a draft are we going to war?"
-Matt Begamen
"No, cause we're in college"
-Rob Vandenmark
"Does it matter what you GPA is?"
-Begs

[regarding tanning]
"The ladies love it Simons"
-Shane Yates
"Yeah, then why am I not knee deep in pussy? I'm tan all year long."
-Eric Simons 3-14-03

"I get my jollies off beating off myself"
-Matt Begamen 3-03-03

"So she loves the cock huh?"
-Begs
"I don't know she never took it out"
-Rhode
"Out of what, her fuckin' pussy?"
-Begs 3-03-03

"There's got to be a pubic bone, that's where the hair comes from"
-Sam Ward 2-28-03

"Oh, so courtney wants a piece of the Drew huh?"
-Rhode
"No man, shes not interested, we are just friends"
-Drew
"Yeah, Just like me and .... Yates"
-Muller 2-11-03

"Did you change your pants Charise?"
-Amy
"yeah"
-Charise
"Why are they easier to get off"
-Begs 2-10-03

"All you fuckin' gringoes don't know how the homies shake it"
-Miller 1-28-03 [in reference to being in a mexican gang

"Muller doesn't know how to make Ramen"
-Rhode
"Fuck you, I'll make you a pie"
-Muller 1-28-03

"Wouldn't it be funny if he looked like a penis and his penis looked like a person"
Miller 1-27-03 [talking about Martin Gramatica, stupid bastard]

"Have you thrown it in the bizzy?"
-Simons
"Yes"
-Muller
"did she enjoy it?"
-Simons
"No, but I did."
-Muller 1-26-03

"I was working on my daily strike out last night"
-Miller
"Miller, you have to swing to strike out"
-Simons 1-25-03

"That is Ghetto fab"
-Drunken Miller 1-24-03

"I mean who wants a left handed hand job anyway, the right hand is bad enough"
-Miller 1-23-03

"Fuck eating, lets go make out in the bathroom"
-Miller 1-23-03

"Can I titty-fuck you, you won't even have to squeeze your tits together"
-Miller 1-23-03

"I jerk off every day, it's funny"
-Muller 1-20-03

"you don't see a lot of black people skiing"
-long distance Luke
"Yeah they like to stick to the fields."
-Miller 1-20-03

[grabbing a subway sandwich]
"only 6 more inches to go"
-Clint
"that's what Charise said"
-Simons 1-18-03

"you believe Jesus existed just because a few men wrote that he did"
-Simons
"In 3000 years how is anybody going to prove you existed. Are they going to say that Eric Simons was made up to be the only black guy on an all white campus?"
-Drew 1-18-03

"Eating pussy is like drinking beer, you must acquire the taste"
-Jeff Bannon 1-19-03

"Is that his cellphone vibrating or is it his ass?"
-Simons 1-18-03

"Have you ever played one on one badminton?"
-Simons 1-17-03

"how did I sound gay?"
-Miller
"maybe it's the constant sound of men's cum gargeling in your mouth?"
-Simons
"Dude, you know I fuckin' spit."
-Miller 1-17-03

I was like super-omega horny last night"
-Miller 1-20-03

"The only piano I would fuck a girl on is the one from 'Big.' I would be like Tom Hanks, bouncing her ass on the keys."
-Simons 1-15-03

"I have such a natural drive for pussy"
-Miller 1-07-03

"Oh baby, ever since I got out of the womb, I've had the craving to get back in."
-Simons 1-09-03

Behold.....

Quote Book: Old Testament